Haven't been here for ages but just thought I'd update.

4 weeks of pregnancy left and I can't wait for it to be over. Tired and achey!

I'ts been tough going but I can't wait to have my baby here.

We're having a little boy and his name has been picked out already! Not revealing it yet though. I'll update again when he's finally here!

Fed up of being stuck at home and can't wait to get out and about and get back to dance after baby's born!

Currently bored at home, watching dvds and listening (a lot) to My Chemical Romance. Wow I love them! Mike thinks they are a crap emo band for teen girls but I know better, hahah!

Date:	Thursday 6th April at 5:05 pm
Subject:	Shock, wonderful surprise!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

O. M. G . . .

(deep breath)

I'm pregnant.

Yes, really.

After years and years of infertility with both my ex and nearly 2 years of it with Mike, after Mike and I being told we'd need IVF with ICSI in order to conceive (due to me having endometriosis and him having a low tadpole count), we've done it naturally.

I got a positive HPT test on Saturday. Couldn't beleive it. I've been feeling weird for days, started period-type cramps about two weeks ago, some strange spotting, sore BBs etc. Thought that somehow my cycle had got messed up due to stress or hormones going haywire.

Mike's mum said I should do a HPT test, just to put my mind at rest and "move on". started spotting last Thursday but it promptly stopped again. Thought the HPT would be a waste of time, but did it anyway, and got a positive!

I had a HCG Early Pregnancy Blood Test done yesterday at the fertility clinic - got the result today and its positive, plus a good positive, apparently - not borderline but definitely positive.

Booked for an early pregnancy scan on 27th April.

Over the moon and so excited, although feeling really yukky already - lightheaded, dizzy and sick.

I'm off work until Monday but terrified of going back, I work in the worst place in the world, it takes me half an hour of driving through traffic to get there and find the place exhausting and depressing. Its the 118 call centre, and they monitor you every flippin' minute and penalise you for any time spent "off" the phones other than your break or any single minute of lateness etc. Quite how the hell I am to cope with that if I'm feeling/being sick and dizzy/fainting I don't know! This is my first ever pregnancy and I am completely terrified and worried about it.

Very excited, but afraid to get my hopes up yet as its so early on, although the blood test was reassuring!

I had to have my little toy poodle, Dolly, put to sleep today. She has been ill for several weeks and the Vet's blood tests revealed severe Kidney failure. The Vet advised that she was very unlikely to improve with treatment and it was kindest to have her euthansed.

We only adopted her in November 2004 from Battersea Dog's Home, Brands Hatch, whilst me and my partner were living in Kent for a while. We knew she was very old (they said she could be anything up to 14 or 16 years old) and has had a pretty awful time of it (found abandoned outside a pub with a broken leg, a scarred eye, matted fur, fleas, ticks, emaciated). We brought her back to Wales and gave her lots of love and affection and she turned into a really sweet, funny, adorable little dog. But she started to go downhill in January - off her food, losing weight, drinking lots, being sick etc - all the signs of kidney failure. The last few days she's been so ill that I pretty much guessed this was coming. It was as though she didn't want to go on anymore and just wanted us to let her go. . .

My boyfriend was at work and couldn't handle being with her when they euthansed her, so I went down to the vets with out other dog, Ginny. I cuddled Dolly for a little bit and told her I loved her lots and lots and would never leave her. I cuddled her while they injected her and she went so quickly it was as though she had been hanging on, just waiting to go.

At the moment I can't stop crying, but I'll probably feel better soon, knowing I did the right thing even if it was painful to have to do it. I love animals but why does it have to hurt so much when you lose them? It is enough to make anyone afraid to get a pet, knowing that they will have this grief when they go . . .

Classic scorcher You scored 75% masculine, 76% athletic, 27% exotic, and 62% refined!

You have picked my personal favorite type of man. Yes, man, not boy. The all-American and then some. You admire a buff body and manly features but someone who knows how to bathe himself and even though he's a scorcher, you could still bring him home to mom - as long as she keeps her hands off! Someone this hot would be......Victor Webster. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 83% on masculine You scored higher than 81% on athletic You scored higher than 16% on exotic You scored higher than 87% on refined

Link: The What type of MAN turns you on Test written by thinkandcome on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Date:	Thursday 16th March at 1:31 pm
Subject:	Making me feel bad about myself
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

Well I'm having to update on the computer at work because Mike has managed to completely $%^&&^%$ our computer, by trying to upgrade it with some stuff he got from his Stepdad. It was apparently all checked out and compatible but when he put it all together the thing basically went "KAPUT" and we have no computer at home!

There's this guy at work who's making me feel really bad about myself. He's a lot younger than me (21) and really cute. Anywaym I had a bit of a crush on him a while back when Mike and I were going through a few problems. this guy basically got it out of me that I liked him and then gave me lecture on how we could only "be friends" because I was too old for him and he already had a GF, and anyway, he could'nt "give me what I wanted" out of life. He still was really friendly with me, made sure I hung out with him at breaktimes, chatted and flirted over the MSN with me and invited me to his bday party where I met his family and friends. Anyway I found the whole thing a bit too much to handle a kept getting a bit emotional around him so now he's totally freezing me out, ignoring me, not even talking to me at work, and making me feel like a really horrible person. whats more, he now spend a lot of time hanging out and talking to a woman who looks even OLDER than me and is not that attractive (not saying I'm a stunner, but you know what I mean!). God, what it wrong with me?! Its still hurting, even though I have Mike and everything. It makes me feel like I must be so horrible and undesirable.

(To the tune of the "Spam" song from Monty Python)

Snow snow snow snow
Snow snow snow snow
Snow snow snow snow etc

We have snow. Lots of. Especially on Caerphilly mountain. Even the sheep are covered!!!

Date:	Saturday 11th March at 9:10 pm
Subject:	Such a long long time
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

I haven't been here for so long - even forget I owned a livejournal!

Anyway, whats been happening to me? Well in case anyone's interested. . .

Got divorced and am now with a new man - my delectable toyboy, Mike who's 23 and from Gillingham in Kent (although has lived here in Wales since 2001!)

Mike and I got together in 2004 and it took us a very long time before we were in a position to be together properly, due to having nowhere to live etc. He went home to his parents in Kent and I had to stay with my ex in Cardiff. Eventually we managed to scrape enough together to rent a house in Northfleet Kent, and so I left Wales and made the 250+ mile journey down the M4/M25 in Autumn 2004 to make a new life in Kent.

I was back by Christmas! So homesick for Wales! Luckily, Mike came with me!

Anyway, now a divorced woman, living with my lovely younger man! We bought a little house up in a village in the South Wales Valleys in December last year (you should see this place - tyalk about "the only gay in the village" - sheep actually come down off the mountains and walk through the streets! I had to swerve to avoid three of them tonight!).

Currently doing a really horrible call-centre job to get some money in (hate it to bits!). Still dancing (when I can - not as much time or money as I used to have), singing and tinkling about with a few instruments (again, less time and money than we used to have).

Haven't had the time to read fic for ages, but have slowly started to get back into it - Mike thinks its hilarious!

Wishing we could have a baby but the infertility fairy has decided to visit me, so it means that I can't. Not naturally anyway. Hoping to go on the waiting list for NHS IVF treatment at University Hospital Cardiff so I'll probably be about 50 when my name comes up on that!

Anyway if anyone remembers me it would be great to hear form you!

There have been very big changes in my life recently.
A few months ago I met someone else and fell in love. We had an affair and my
husband found out. Consquently, I've left my husband and he's filing for a divorce.

I've just got back to Wales after spending a week in Kent with the new man in my life -
the man who prompted my split with David. The problem is, we have nowhere to live
right now. He wasn’t able to stay in Cardiff and had to return to Kent, where he’s from,
because of financial problems. He’s staying with his family, and not earning very
much, and I have no job and no money. I spent a week with his family but they weren’t
able to put me up any longer than that.

I originally came home to Newport to spend some time with my mum but after she blew
up at me (she’s unable to deal with whats happening right now) I had no choice but to
come back to Cardiff, to the house David and I have shared for the past 8 years. He
doesn’t want me here, but its my legal right to live here until we are divorced formally,
so we’re just trying to co-exist as best we can right now.

I don’t know what I am going
to do. I can’t get a job until I have a permanent base to work from and the divorce
settlement is going to take a long long time to come through. So I’ll have to try and stay
here for a while and then perhaps go to my mum’s if she has cooled down and is able
to tolerate me being there without feeling the need to attack me every five minutes
about how I have ruined my life and destroyed her and caused a rift in my family etc etc
etc.

Today, I came home to the house me and my husband shared before separating last
week (I will be staying there for a few days), the first thing I saw was Lifi's little casket of
ashes and the photo of him, and I just burst out crying. I feel so alone right now and
more than ever I need my little boy near me. I feel that his spirit is still in this house and
he must think I have abandoned him by leaving.
I just keep asking why he had to leave me. I need him so much, my dear little boy. I
need to hold him in my arms and smell his soft fluffy hair and feel him lick my tears
away like he always did when I cried. But he is gone and I fear that he is missing me
and doesn't know where I am. I want to know that he is safe and happy and will be with
me always, even if I do move to another part of the country and that his little spirit won't
be trapped in this house wondering where mummy is . . .
I'm 32 but I haven't had children yet (David doesn't want them - this is part of the reason
we are separating) and Lifi was like my child. There is such a huge gap inside of me
and I don't know how to fill it.

And I don't know how I'm going to go on.

Today, at about 7.30pm, David took our dogs - our Jack Russell,
Ginny, and my little baby boy, my poodle, Lifi, out for a walk.
About 20 minutes later there was a knock at the door and I heard
Ginny whimpering. When I opened it, David was there, holding a
senseless Lifi in his arms.

When I asked what happened, he said that Lifi had just collapsed. We
laid him on the floor and he seemed barely concious, he was
struggling for breath ad I noticed his tongue was blue.

We called the emergency vet (its a Bank Holiday today and everywhere
is shut) and while David was speaking to them I wrapped Lifi in a
towel and kept rubbing his chest, trying to get him to breathe. We
ran outside, got into the car and started up the road, me holding
Lifi and talking to him, rubbing his chest and trying to get him to
stay with me.

By the time we reached the end of the road he had stopped gasping and
become very still and quiet. I guess I knew he'd gone but couldn't
face it, I was sure he was still breathing if very faintly.

We reached the vets and I ran inside with Lifi, crying my eyes out.
The nurse hurried me into the theatre and I laid Lifi on the
table. "I think he's gone" I remember sobbing.

The vet looked at him, checked his eyes and said "yes he's gone".

I can't remember much other than holding him and crying for what
seemed like ages. Asking if it was my fault had we done something or
not done it. David says he's been quiet the last few days and I have
to say I hadn't actually noticed. Perhaps I was so bound up with
work and college everything that I hadn't even noticed Lifi being quiet.

But my baby is gone. He slept in my arms this afternoon and now this
evening he's gone.

I can't face life without him. He was my baby - the closet thing I
have to a child and I adored him. He slept with me every night. He
was always around me and I used to say he was the main man in my life.

My mum is distraught too, she loved him as well and she can't stop
crying either. My brother is gutted although not showing it and
David is very upset although he doesn't show it either.

I can't stop crying its like a horrible nightmare I want to wake up
from. I want my baby boy back, I can't go on without him.

Date:	Sunday 23rd November at 1:51 pm
Subject:	Michael Jackson Jokes . . .
Security:	Public
Mood:	naughty

not for his fans . . .

( Cut because of poor taste and so MJ Fans don't kill me )

Date:	Wednesday 19th November at 9:47 am
Subject:	Bush joke . . .
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

While on his state visit to Britain, George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush." Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

Boom boom!

Date:	Tuesday 18th November at 11:47 pm
Subject:	I have a stinking cold
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick

Nicked from silvercobwebs

Rank the following movies in order from COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT to COULDN'T CARE LESS, you must also add two movies to the list, and remove two movies from the list, before passing it on (including these instructions).

Labyrinth
Pirates of the Caribbean
*Sense and Sensibility* (* = added)
*Death in Venice*
Lord of the Rings
The Princess Bride
The Lion King
The Lost Boys
Star Wars
Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Truman Show



The two I removed were "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "Oceans Eleven" because I've never even seen them (and in the case of the former have absolutely NO desire to!)

Date:	Saturday 15th November at 10:27 pm
Subject:	Feeling blue
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

Well I've just watched the BBC 4 broadcast of the Barbara Bonney singers'masterclass which I took part in back in the Spring.

They showed all of the singers as far as I could see.

Except me.

They showed the singer before me. They showed the singer after me. They showed their performances and their interviews.

They cut me out completely.

I have no idea why. Perhaps I looked bad or sang badly or something.

They obviously had to edit the footage but what I don't understand is that they showed the first half of the concert in its entireity, let some of the singers go on and on for ages, and then just cut the second half down a bit by editing a few comments etc, and cutting MY performance out.

I feel like shit and I want to give up singing. For an amateur like me the chance to perform on TV is huge and I work so hard, but I feel that this was snatched away from me and I don't know why.

I hate myself for never being good enough. All my family and friends were watching the concert and they are all disappointed. I even feel stupid for asking them to watch it.

I should just give up and stop trying to succeed because something or someone obviously does not want me to. Maybe I have ideas above my station.

And am feeling slightly sheepish . . .

Anyway, what have I been up to? Already emailed most of this to a few people, but for everybody else here is the run-down . . . starting with:

Job = dull but only a few days a week!

College is going well, I'm studying A Levels is Drama and Music part-time and its so much easier doing A levels than studying for a degree - my classmates are mainly 16-19 year olds, a few slightly older, but I gel reaslly well with them and most are very impressed at how "young" I am for my age (that must only be a good thing!) they were all stunned to find out I was 31!

Am busy on the dance and music front, 6th Nov is "Raga and Rhapsody" - performance at a concert of Indian Music given by some v. famous Indian musicians, Shivkumar Sharma and Hariprasad Chaurasia (it will be on BBC Radio 3),
and last Friday I gave a Bharata Natyam solo at a lunchtime launch party for some BBC executives!

I'm also studying for higher music grades in singing,
piano and violin. I have to get to Grade VIII if I'm going to leave open to myself the option of applying to the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama after I finish my A levels . . . although I might decide to go ahead with my ballet teachers qualification instead . . .

I want to feel I've challenged myself and attained as high standards and apsirations as I can . . .

My foolish heart is paining me again. I've got a big crush on one of the guys
in my drama group. He's 22, and I thought he liked me at first, as
he seemed to flirt a bit and once said to me how good I looked for
my age (he was shocked to hear I was 31 and said he had thought I was his age or younger!) and what an interesting person I was and how much he wanted to talk to me. But its not as if anything could come of it anyway, I am married after all. . . . yeah I know!!!

Anyway, most of the 16-17 year old girls in the class fancy him like mad, and one of them has honed in on him, by making him her partner for the term (sadly, she got there before I had the chance to ask him! Damn!). She is spending each and every class flirting with him and trying to work "kisses" and "love scenes" into whatever scene or piece they are working on and trying to chat him up by asking him all about his band and what they are doing and trying to convince him that she "sings" too (yeah she does very bad karaoke whilst I have operatic training!!!!!)

And I'm sooo jealous!!!! He should be working with me! We are better suited in age group and I'd appreciate his acting talent more Its so ridiculous I know!! I gave him a lift (ride) home from College last week, but I offered again this week and he declined saying that he had to stay behind and talk to the teacher. Ho hum. Perhaps he's just lost interest now that Flirt Girl is working at him . .

Anyway thats just me being silly again. I give my heart away far too easily and people stamp on it and its not as if anything could come of it anyway, I should just be mature about it and let Flirt Girl have him. Except that I feel she isn't good enough for him and it annoys me the way bimbo airheads who have large breasts and are pushy seem to land men far too good for them so easily, whilst the rest of us "sophisticated ladies" have to watch from afar . . .

Current obsession: Pirates of the Carribbean. I LOVE Captn Jack Sparrow, he is so sexy and debauched. Oh I wish he would debauch me!!! PotC slash is currently high on my reading list - Will/Jack being a particular favourite . . .!

Date:	Friday 12th September at 5:40 pm
Subject:	This is going to sound really really stupid
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

And if you don't want to read a load of psychotic crap please don't click here:

( Read more... )

Date:	Thursday 28th August at 12:42 pm
Subject:	YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

Nicked from my Bee-atch, deluin_niere

<td bgcolor="#000000">Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Birthdate</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Favorite Color</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Who Gives You The Gift</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Sean Bean </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">What They Give You</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Escort you to the RotK premiere </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Estimated Value</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$1,332</td></tr>

Which LOTR Guy Will Give You A Fab Birthday Gift? by DarkRose
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Sean Bean! Sean Yorkshire Sex God Bean!!!! OMG! What a perfect birthday present! Roll on 17 December! YUM!!!

Date:	Saturday 23rd August at 7:11 pm
Subject:	future projects
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

I have a few exciting things to look forward to . . .

Firstly, I'm starting A level courses in Drama and Music this September. Why? Dunno, just because I want to. I'm working part-time to fund all the things I want to do . . .

Secondly, in October, St Davids Hall is going to be playing host to some musicians from India, including Shiv Kumar Sharma, one of Indias most famous superstar Classical Musicians, and some others. And my Guru has been asked if some of her senior students would like to dance! So we are currently starting to learn the item we are going to do. Its going to be an arrangement of the Hindolam Thillana. The BBC National Orchestra of Wales are also going to be playing, (there will be a collaboration between the Indian Musicians and the NOW so I have no idea how that will sound!!) and we are going to be working with the musicians and rehearsing with them, so we are going to meet Shiv Kumar Sharma and work with him!

WOW!

I'm so excited! I don't know if its going to be on telly but I'll let you all know if it is. . .!

Date:	Friday 22nd August at 12:01 pm
Subject:	Toilet Humour
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

I'm British and I like toilet humour. Sad but true. Its a big part of our culture.

Anyway I found this on one of my lists and laughed until I had a stitch in my side!

( The Fart List )

Pop on over to pirategasm and have a good laugh at the BRILLIANT parody song "B.O., B.O, a Pirate's Life for Me!" by d_r_o_n_e

I laughed my socks off!

It brought home the fact that, much as we love Captain Jack and his rogueish sexy ways, the man probably STINKS! He looks as though he never changes his clothes and has probably only washes when he fals into the sea after a particularly heavy drinking spree. And he most likely carries a variety of STD's.

Yuk! LOL!

I stil love him though . . .!

nicked off silvercobwebs