Lady Osolone

I have a new LJ

2009-02-03T20:42:18Z

Because those naughty MERLIN boys made me write slash fanfiction about them

And given that this LJ is a bit out of date and Buffy-orientated I thought it was time for a change . . .

osolone.livejournal.com/

4 weeks to go

2006-11-11T00:18:31Z

Haven't been here for ages but just thought I'd update.

4 weeks of pregnancy left and I can't wait for it to be over. Tired and achey!

I'ts been tough going but I can't wait to have my baby here.

We're having a little boy and his name has been picked out already! Not revealing it yet though. I'll update again when he's finally here!

Fed up of being stuck at home and can't wait to get out and about and get back to dance after baby's born!

Currently bored at home, watching dvds and listening (a lot) to My Chemical Romance. Wow I love them! Mike thinks they are a crap emo band for teen girls but I know better, hahah!

Shock, wonderful surprise!

2006-04-06T16:12:14Z

O. M. G . . .

(deep breath)

I'm pregnant.

Yes, really.

After years and years of infertility with both my ex and nearly 2 years of it with Mike, after Mike and I being told we'd need IVF with ICSI in order to conceive (due to me having endometriosis and him having a low tadpole count), we've done it naturally.

I got a positive HPT test on Saturday. Couldn't beleive it. I've been feeling weird for days, started period-type cramps about two weeks ago, some strange spotting, sore BBs etc. Thought that somehow my cycle had got messed up due to stress or hormones going haywire.

Mike's mum said I should do a HPT test, just to put my mind at rest and "move on". started spotting last Thursday but it promptly stopped again. Thought the HPT would be a waste of time, but did it anyway, and got a positive!

I had a HCG Early Pregnancy Blood Test done yesterday at the fertility clinic - got the result today and its positive, plus a good positive, apparently - not borderline but definitely positive.

Booked for an early pregnancy scan on 27th April.

Over the moon and so excited, although feeling really yukky already - lightheaded, dizzy and sick.

I'm off work until Monday but terrified of going back, I work in the worst place in the world, it takes me half an hour of driving through traffic to get there and find the place exhausting and depressing. Its the 118 call centre, and they monitor you every flippin' minute and penalise you for any time spent "off" the phones other than your break or any single minute of lateness etc. Quite how the hell I am to cope with that if I'm feeling/being sick and dizzy/fainting I don't know! This is my first ever pregnancy and I am completely terrified and worried about it.

Very excited, but afraid to get my hopes up yet as its so early on, although the blood test was reassuring!

Broken Hearted

2006-03-21T22:37:20Z

I had to have my little toy poodle, Dolly, put to sleep today. She has been ill for several weeks and the Vet's blood tests revealed severe Kidney failure. The Vet advised that she was very unlikely to improve with treatment and it was kindest to have her euthansed.

We only adopted her in November 2004 from Battersea Dog's Home, Brands Hatch, whilst me and my partner were living in Kent for a while. We knew she was very old (they said she could be anything up to 14 or 16 years old) and has had a pretty awful time of it (found abandoned outside a pub with a broken leg, a scarred eye, matted fur, fleas, ticks, emaciated). We brought her back to Wales and gave her lots of love and affection and she turned into a really sweet, funny, adorable little dog. But she started to go downhill in January - off her food, losing weight, drinking lots, being sick etc - all the signs of kidney failure. The last few days she's been so ill that I pretty much guessed this was coming. It was as though she didn't want to go on anymore and just wanted us to let her go. . .

My boyfriend was at work and couldn't handle being with her when they euthansed her, so I went down to the vets with out other dog, Ginny. I cuddled Dolly for a little bit and told her I loved her lots and lots and would never leave her. I cuddled her while they injected her and she went so quickly it was as though she had been hanging on, just waiting to go.

At the moment I can't stop crying, but I'll probably feel better soon, knowing I did the right thing even if it was painful to have to do it. I love animals but why does it have to hurt so much when you lose them? It is enough to make anyone afraid to get a pet, knowing that they will have this grief when they go . . .

I'm bored . . .

2006-03-18T22:37:24Z

Classic scorcher
You scored 75% masculine, 76% athletic, 27% exotic, and 62% refined!

You have picked my personal favorite type of man. Yes, man, not boy. The all-American and then some. You admire a buff body and manly features but someone who knows how to bathe himself and even though he's a scorcher, you could still bring him home to mom - as long as she keeps her hands off! Someone this hot would be......Victor Webster. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 83% on masculine

You scored higher than 81% on athletic

You scored higher than 16% on exotic

You scored higher than 87% on refined

Link: The What type of MAN turns you on Test written by thinkandcome on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Making me feel bad about myself

2006-03-16T13:37:04Z

Well I'm having to update on the computer at work because Mike has managed to completely $%^&&^%$ our computer, by trying to upgrade it with some stuff he got from his Stepdad. It was apparently all checked out and compatible but when he put it all together the thing basically went "KAPUT" and we have no computer at home!

There's this guy at work who's making me feel really bad about myself. He's a lot younger than me (21) and really cute. Anywaym I had a bit of a crush on him a while back when Mike and I were going through a few problems. this guy basically got it out of me that I liked him and then gave me lecture on how we could only "be friends" because I was too old for him and he already had a GF, and anyway, he could'nt "give me what I wanted" out of life. He still was really friendly with me, made sure I hung out with him at breaktimes, chatted and flirted over the MSN with me and invited me to his bday party where I met his family and friends. Anyway I found the whole thing a bit too much to handle a kept getting a bit emotional around him so now he's totally freezing me out, ignoring me, not even talking to me at work, and making me feel like a really horrible person. whats more, he now spend a lot of time hanging out and talking to a woman who looks even OLDER than me and is not that attractive (not saying I'm a stunner, but you know what I mean!). God, what it wrong with me?! Its still hurting, even though I have Mike and everything. It makes me feel like I must be so horrible and undesirable.

snow

2006-03-13T20:04:33Z

(To the tune of the "Spam" song from Monty Python)

Snow snow snow snow
Snow snow snow snow
Snow snow snow snow etc

We have snow. Lots of. Especially on Caerphilly mountain. Even the sheep are covered!!!

Such a long long time

2006-03-11T21:18:49Z

I haven't been here for so long - even forget I owned a livejournal!

Anyway, whats been happening to me? Well in case anyone's interested. . .

Got divorced and am now with a new man - my delectable toyboy, Mike who's 23 and from Gillingham in Kent (although has lived here in Wales since 2001!)

Mike and I got together in 2004 and it took us a very long time before we were in a position to be together properly, due to having nowhere to live etc. He went home to his parents in Kent and I had to stay with my ex in Cardiff. Eventually we managed to scrape enough together to rent a house in Northfleet Kent, and so I left Wales and made the 250+ mile journey down the M4/M25 in Autumn 2004 to make a new life in Kent.

I was back by Christmas! So homesick for Wales! Luckily, Mike came with me!

Anyway, now a divorced woman, living with my lovely younger man! We bought a little house up in a village in the South Wales Valleys in December last year (you should see this place - tyalk about "the only gay in the village" - sheep actually come down off the mountains and walk through the streets! I had to swerve to avoid three of them tonight!).

Currently doing a really horrible call-centre job to get some money in (hate it to bits!). Still dancing (when I can - not as much time or money as I used to have), singing and tinkling about with a few instruments (again, less time and money than we used to have).

Haven't had the time to read fic for ages, but have slowly started to get back into it - Mike thinks its hilarious!

Wishing we could have a baby but the infertility fairy has decided to visit me, so it means that I can't. Not naturally anyway. Hoping to go on the waiting list for NHS IVF treatment at University Hospital Cardiff so I'll probably be about 50 when my name comes up on that!

Anyway if anyone remembers me it would be great to hear form you!

Big changes

2004-07-09T21:00:22Z

There have been very big changes in my life recently.
A few months ago I met someone else and fell in love. We had an affair and my
husband found out. Consquently, I've left my husband and he's filing for a divorce.

I've just got back to Wales after spending a week in Kent with the new man in my life -
the man who prompted my split with David. The problem is, we have nowhere to live
right now. He wasn’t able to stay in Cardiff and had to return to Kent, where he’s from,
because of financial problems. He’s staying with his family, and not earning very
much, and I have no job and no money. I spent a week with his family but they weren’t
able to put me up any longer than that.

I originally came home to Newport to spend some time with my mum but after she blew
up at me (she’s unable to deal with whats happening right now) I had no choice but to
come back to Cardiff, to the house David and I have shared for the past 8 years. He
doesn’t want me here, but its my legal right to live here until we are divorced formally,
so we’re just trying to co-exist as best we can right now.

I don’t know what I am going
to do. I can’t get a job until I have a permanent base to work from and the divorce
settlement is going to take a long long time to come through. So I’ll have to try and stay
here for a while and then perhaps go to my mum’s if she has cooled down and is able
to tolerate me being there without feeling the need to attack me every five minutes
about how I have ruined my life and destroyed her and caused a rift in my family etc etc
etc.

Today, I came home to the house me and my husband shared before separating last
week (I will be staying there for a few days), the first thing I saw was Lifi's little casket of
ashes and the photo of him, and I just burst out crying. I feel so alone right now and
more than ever I need my little boy near me. I feel that his spirit is still in this house and
he must think I have abandoned him by leaving.
I just keep asking why he had to leave me. I need him so much, my dear little boy. I
need to hold him in my arms and smell his soft fluffy hair and feel him lick my tears
away like he always did when I cried. But he is gone and I fear that he is missing me
and doesn't know where I am. I want to know that he is safe and happy and will be with
me always, even if I do move to another part of the country and that his little spirit won't
be trapped in this house wondering where mummy is . . .
I'm 32 but I haven't had children yet (David doesn't want them - this is part of the reason
we are separating) and Lifi was like my child. There is such a huge gap inside of me
and I don't know how to fill it.

My Baby Boy is gone

2004-05-31T22:03:37Z

And I don't know how I'm going to go on.

Today, at about 7.30pm, David took our dogs - our Jack Russell,
Ginny, and my little baby boy, my poodle, Lifi, out for a walk.
About 20 minutes later there was a knock at the door and I heard
Ginny whimpering. When I opened it, David was there, holding a
senseless Lifi in his arms.

When I asked what happened, he said that Lifi had just collapsed. We
laid him on the floor and he seemed barely concious, he was
struggling for breath ad I noticed his tongue was blue.

We called the emergency vet (its a Bank Holiday today and everywhere
is shut) and while David was speaking to them I wrapped Lifi in a
towel and kept rubbing his chest, trying to get him to breathe. We
ran outside, got into the car and started up the road, me holding
Lifi and talking to him, rubbing his chest and trying to get him to
stay with me.

By the time we reached the end of the road he had stopped gasping and
become very still and quiet. I guess I knew he'd gone but couldn't
face it, I was sure he was still breathing if very faintly.

We reached the vets and I ran inside with Lifi, crying my eyes out.
The nurse hurried me into the theatre and I laid Lifi on the
table. "I think he's gone" I remember sobbing.

The vet looked at him, checked his eyes and said "yes he's gone".

I can't remember much other than holding him and crying for what
seemed like ages. Asking if it was my fault had we done something or
not done it. David says he's been quiet the last few days and I have
to say I hadn't actually noticed. Perhaps I was so bound up with
work and college everything that I hadn't even noticed Lifi being quiet.

But my baby is gone. He slept in my arms this afternoon and now this
evening he's gone.

I can't face life without him. He was my baby - the closet thing I
have to a child and I adored him. He slept with me every night. He
was always around me and I used to say he was the main man in my life.

My mum is distraught too, she loved him as well and she can't stop
crying either. My brother is gutted although not showing it and
David is very upset although he doesn't show it either.

I can't stop crying its like a horrible nightmare I want to wake up
from. I want my baby boy back, I can't go on without him.

Michael Jackson Jokes . . .

2003-11-23T13:56:19Z

not for his fans . . .

Q: Why was everyone surprised when Michael Jackson dangled a baby over the balcony?
A: Because he usuall TOSSES THEM OFF!!

Q: Why is Michael Jackson going on holiday to Florida this year?
A: Because he wants to TAMPA with the kids!

Q: Why does MJ wear triangle of cheese on his cock?
A: Because "kids'll do anything for Dairylea"!!

(NB that joke won't make sense to non-Brits or anyone who hasn't seen the advert for Dairylea cheese spread)

Report just coming in . . . police have raided Neverland . . .in the kitchen they found class A drugs . . . int he bathroom they found class B drugs . . . and in the bedroom they found Class 5C . ..

(NB *that* joke won't make sense to anyone who doens't understand the British school system)

Enjoy if you can!

Bush joke . . .

2003-11-19T09:45:37Z

While on his state visit to Britain, George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush." Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

Boom boom!

I have a stinking cold

2003-11-18T23:51:11Z

Nicked from silvercobwebs

Rank the following movies in order from COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT to COULDN'T CARE LESS, you must also add two movies to the list, and remove two movies from the list, before passing it on (including these instructions).

Labyrinth
Pirates of the Caribbean
*Sense and Sensibility* (* = added)
*Death in Venice*
Lord of the Rings
The Princess Bride
The Lion King
The Lost Boys
Star Wars
Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Truman Show

The two I removed were "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "Oceans Eleven" because I've never even seen them (and in the case of the former have absolutely NO desire to!)

Feeling blue

2003-11-15T22:30:51Z

Well I've just watched the BBC 4 broadcast of the Barbara Bonney singers'masterclass which I took part in back in the Spring.

They showed all of the singers as far as I could see.

Except me.

They showed the singer before me. They showed the singer after me. They showed their performances and their interviews.

They cut me out completely.

I have no idea why. Perhaps I looked bad or sang badly or something.

They obviously had to edit the footage but what I don't understand is that they showed the first half of the concert in its entireity, let some of the singers go on and on for ages, and then just cut the second half down a bit by editing a few comments etc, and cutting MY performance out.

I feel like shit and I want to give up singing. For an amateur like me the chance to perform on TV is huge and I work so hard, but I feel that this was snatched away from me and I don't know why.

I hate myself for never being good enough. All my family and friends were watching the concert and they are all disappointed. I even feel stupid for asking them to watch it.

I should just give up and stop trying to succeed because something or someone obviously does not want me to. Maybe I have ideas above my station.

I've just realised that I've ignored this journal for over a month . . .

2003-10-23T22:48:26Z

And am feeling slightly sheepish . . .

Anyway, what have I been up to? Already emailed most of this to a few people, but for everybody else here is the run-down . . . starting with:

Job = dull but only a few days a week!

College is going well, I'm studying A Levels is Drama and Music part-time and its so much easier doing A levels than studying for a degree - my classmates are mainly 16-19 year olds, a few slightly older, but I gel reaslly well with them and most are very impressed at how "young" I am for my age (that must only be a good thing!) they were all stunned to find out I was 31!

Am busy on the dance and music front, 6th Nov is "Raga and Rhapsody" - performance at a concert of Indian Music given by some v. famous Indian musicians, Shivkumar Sharma and Hariprasad Chaurasia (it will be on BBC Radio 3),
and last Friday I gave a Bharata Natyam solo at a lunchtime launch party for some BBC executives!

I'm also studying for higher music grades in singing,
piano and violin. I have to get to Grade VIII if I'm going to leave open to myself the option of applying to the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama after I finish my A levels . . . although I might decide to go ahead with my ballet teachers qualification instead . . .

I want to feel I've challenged myself and attained as high standards and apsirations as I can . . .

My foolish heart is paining me again. I've got a big crush on one of the guys
in my drama group. He's 22, and I thought he liked me at first, as
he seemed to flirt a bit and once said to me how good I looked for
my age (he was shocked to hear I was 31 and said he had thought I was his age or younger!) and what an interesting person I was and how much he wanted to talk to me. But its not as if anything could come of it anyway, I am married after all. . . . yeah I know!!!

Anyway, most of the 16-17 year old girls in the class fancy him like mad, and one of them has honed in on him, by making him her partner for the term (sadly, she got there before I had the chance to ask him! Damn!). She is spending each and every class flirting with him and trying to work "kisses" and "love scenes" into whatever scene or piece they are working on and trying to chat him up by asking him all about his band and what they are doing and trying to convince him that she "sings" too (yeah she does very bad karaoke whilst I have operatic training!!!!!)

And I'm sooo jealous!!!! He should be working with me! We are better suited in age group and I'd appreciate his acting talent more Its so ridiculous I know!! I gave him a lift (ride) home from College last week, but I offered again this week and he declined saying that he had to stay behind and talk to the teacher. Ho hum. Perhaps he's just lost interest now that Flirt Girl is working at him . .

Anyway thats just me being silly again. I give my heart away far too easily and people stamp on it and its not as if anything could come of it anyway, I should just be mature about it and let Flirt Girl have him. Except that I feel she isn't good enough for him and it annoys me the way bimbo airheads who have large breasts and are pushy seem to land men far too good for them so easily, whilst the rest of us "sophisticated ladies" have to watch from afar . . .

Current obsession: Pirates of the Carribbean. I LOVE Captn Jack Sparrow, he is so sexy and debauched. Oh I wish he would debauch me!!! PotC slash is currently high on my reading list - Will/Jack being a particular favourite . . .!

This is going to sound really really stupid

2003-09-12T16:40:07Z

And if you don't want to read a load of psychotic crap please don't click here:

But I know I can tak to you girls without you laughing at me, and I really needed to get this off my chest.

I've actually been crying this afternoon, and my hubby is pissed off because he knows why.

The thing is, I've had to accept that Orlando is really with Kate Bosworth. I can't ecplain it away anymore, I've tried, God i've tried for months, reading up gossip, trying to convince myself he's gay and she's a beard or its just PR, blah blah, but its all just become too obvious now. There's nothing that can explain it, and the allegations of one or the othe rof them being gay or whatever are just people posting lies on the internet. Even that Atti guy came out and admitted he'd made everything up about knowing Orlando.

I've had a massive, massive crush on him. And its sad because I'm married and 5 years older than him and not a successful actress or rich or famous like KB or anything. And I've just been feeling more and more down about it, hating myself for not being her, because he wouldn't want me, because I'll never have a chance to be with him. My hubby is pissed off and I've been spending more time online than I have doing other more useful things.

It just breaks my heart to think of him doing all the things I dream about him doing with me to a girl who's only 20 and rich and famous and has always had everything she wants. I know I'm not ugly but I've never had the sort of opportunities she's had either. I keep hating myself, hating everyone and everything and stressing myself out.

So I've had to accept he is dating her and it hurts like hell. I'm looking at it almost like a relationship thats come to an end, I really did have such a crush on him it was like having a relationship with him in my head and now I've found out that someone else has GOT everything I dreamed of I'm so miserable and depressed. But even like a relationship thats come to an end, I HAVE to move on. The first step is to accept that he's with her and I'll never have him and have a good cry about it, and then hopefully I'll feel better.

The whole Orlando thing has to end for me. Right now. No more gossip, no more visiting his websites, no more buying magazines with his interviews in, maybe that way I can get over him. and TRY not to think about him and her, yeah they're together, but I really have to force myself not to think about it.

I just can't stop crying right now and I feel so miserable I want to die, but it will get better right?

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!

2003-08-28T11:42:14Z

Nicked from my Bee-atch, deluin_niere

<td bgcolor="#000000">Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Birthdate</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Favorite Color</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Who Gives You The Gift</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Sean Bean </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">What They Give You</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Escort you to the RotK premiere </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Estimated Value</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$1,332</td></tr>

Which LOTR Guy Will Give You A Fab Birthday Gift? by DarkRose

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Sean Bean! Sean Yorkshire Sex God Bean!!!! OMG! What a perfect birthday present! Roll on 17 December! YUM!!!

future projects

2003-08-23T18:38:11Z

I have a few exciting things to look forward to . . .

Firstly, I'm starting A level courses in Drama and Music this September. Why? Dunno, just because I want to. I'm working part-time to fund all the things I want to do . . .

Secondly, in October, St Davids Hall is going to be playing host to some musicians from India, including Shiv Kumar Sharma, one of Indias most famous superstar Classical Musicians, and some others. And my Guru has been asked if some of her senior students would like to dance! So we are currently starting to learn the item we are going to do. Its going to be an arrangement of the Hindolam Thillana. The BBC National Orchestra of Wales are also going to be playing, (there will be a collaboration between the Indian Musicians and the NOW so I have no idea how that will sound!!) and we are going to be working with the musicians and rehearsing with them, so we are going to meet Shiv Kumar Sharma and work with him!

WOW!

I'm so excited! I don't know if its going to be on telly but I'll let you all know if it is. . .!

Toilet Humour

2003-08-22T11:01:00Z

I'm British and I like toilet humour. Sad but true. Its a big part of our culture.

Anyway I found this on one of my lists and laughed until I had a stitch in my side!

The Fart List

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting
for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time
in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will
notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles.
It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be
concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very
loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air
moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the
back seat?

THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in
identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before
daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a
sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a
fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down
notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl
Fart.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic
characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter
can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and
farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common
fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in
that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right
moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed.
Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in
history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked
if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the
world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I
can see no point in describing this far any further.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The
farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will
squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or
over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving
then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not
much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart
that fails. For this reason it is stricly a group one identification
fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that
somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of
all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little
disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is
not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand
Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is
a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the
second tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of
farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you
have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One
of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to
be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty
house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will
insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is
just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What
happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all
at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she
will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There
is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an
old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles,
grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a
single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether
pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest
Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on
the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the
wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's
trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure.
Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped
ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only
fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy,
it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might
think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively
identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No
other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of
all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the
Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may
first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About
the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He
will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy
to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The
person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy
food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods
he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his
fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is
no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you
fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you
have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-
sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts.
It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of
pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its
length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes
leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind
knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at
least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What
matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally
farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known
to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of
its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is.
It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day
in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible
for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make.
The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier
if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no
doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of
identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount
to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it
automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter.
Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric
skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very
impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is
even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom
Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is
ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows.
A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow
his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the
wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very
funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is
best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is
usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say,
and only gets farted after considerable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied
than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes
hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around
after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A
very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all.
You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the
wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You
look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then
you get out of there.

THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to
identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being
tickled this is the fart for you.

ROFLMAO!!!

Jack Smells?!

2003-08-21T13:16:32Z

Pop on over to pirategasm and have a good laugh at the BRILLIANT parody song "B.O., B.O, a Pirate's Life for Me!" by d_r_o_n_e

I laughed my socks off!

It brought home the fact that, much as we love Captain Jack and his rogueish sexy ways, the man probably STINKS! He looks as though he never changes his clothes and has probably only washes when he fals into the sea after a particularly heavy drinking spree. And he most likely carries a variety of STD's.

Yuk! LOL!

I stil love him though . . .!

My hell

2003-08-19T23:39:27Z

nicked off silvercobwebs

Tony Blair
Circle I Limbo

Rednecks
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

The people who made Terminator 3
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Charlotte Church
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Catherine Zeta Jones
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

That BNP Prick who lives in Wales
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Dafydd Ieuan for his racist shite
Circle VII Burning Sands

Bill Clinton, Kate Bosworth, George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

The Pope
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Saw PotC this afternoon.

2003-08-15T21:22:55Z

My report:

Brilliant! Didn't need so many of the fight scenes though.

Keira Knightley: very impressive, beautiful, sexy, talented, WOW!

Geoffrey Rush: a true ham! Great fun.

Orlando Bloom: fairly cute, reasonably competent actor but not terribly impressive, character was rather dull.

MacKenzie Crook (from "the Office"): Hilarious!

Johnny Depp/Captain Jack Sparrow: WOW!

What can I saw but wow!

I loved EVERYTHING about his character! Johnny Depp is now offically "God" to have created sucha totally irrestible rogue!

And also fell madly in lust with Cap'n Jack! Damn, why didn't Elizabeth go for him instead?!?!?!?

I love Cap'n Jack. I want to sail away on the Black Pearl with him (even though I get seasick) . . .

*sigh* . . .

Loved the film though, must get the video so I can just watch all the Cap'n Jack bits again and again and again . . . .Savvy?!?!

Quiz time

2003-07-25T21:57:20Z

HP Book: OotP because they just keep getting better!
HP Character: How can I choooooose!? OK, Hermione
Hogwarts House: Slytherin becauise they're dark, sexy and ambitious!
Teacher: Evil, sexy Snape
Creature: A niffler because they are cute and useful or a Puffskein
Sweets: Honeyduke's best chocolate
Book Cover: OotP
Quote or Phrase: The one where Snape says about "I do not expect many of you to appreciate the bubbling cauldron . . . I can teach you to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses" . . . because its sooo sexy (especially when said in Alan Rickman's VOICE!!!)
Broomstick: Firebolt
Chapter: can't choose!
Marauder: Lupin or Sirius
Weasley: The Twins because they're EEEEVIL!
Type of Owl: Snowy, they're beautiful
Sorting Hat Song: The one in book 3
Muggle/Squib: Mrs Figg
Dragon: Chinese Fireball
Member of the Order: Snape! The daring, mysterious Snape . . .!
Hogsmeade Shop: Gladrags Wizardwear, I'd be in there all day!
Colour Dress Robe: Deep red velvet
Invisibility Cloak Event: When Harry is stuck half in the stair with Snape and "Moody" and he drops the egg and everything - in book 4
DeathEater: Lucius Malfoy is horribly evil and horribly sexy . . . ROWR!
Obstacle in the Sorcerer's Stone: the Potions one
Wand Type: Ebony with Unicorn hair
Spell: Accio
Unforgivable Curse: Imperius! Hee hee!
DADA Teacher: Lupin
Gryffindor: Hermione
Ravenclaw: Cho Chang
Hufflepuff: Cedric Diggory
Slytherin: Draco Malfoy
Ghost: Nearly Headless Nick or Peeves
Centaur: Firenze
Quiddith Position: oh . . . Seeker - fast and swift, thats me!
Skiving Snackbox: the nosebleed nougat!
Pensieve Memory: Snape's
Dream: The one where Harry saw Nagini attack Mr Weasley as it proved useful!

But I also got this result:

2003-07-23T23:10:50Z

With Which Harry Potter Male Are You Most Sexually Compatible?
brought to you by Quizilla

How am I supposed to choose?!?! I want both of them.

Mmmm, Lucius. I do like my men bad and blonde.

Oh it just had to be . . .

2003-07-23T22:59:36Z

With Which Harry Potter Male Are You Most Sexually Compatible?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yes, he's evil and sadistic and all that. But he's so damned SEXY! Rowr! Detention with Snape, oh yes!!! I'd be a naughty, naughty girl in his class, and then spend my detention thinking of what lies underneath those repressed buttoned-up black robes and what a smooth, silky, sadistic lover he'd be between the black silk sheets. Mmmmm. I like bad boys . . .